The Blog of Roon

When I came up with this year’s Murder at Christmas character, I was thrilled to bits with her until I realized that nobody in her right mind would think she’d dunnit. (At the time, of course, nobody knew who the murderer would be yet.)

But I checked this year’s whodunnit poll, and what do you know! Somebody thinks Pamela dunnit!

Partly I got fortunate in the first victim, I must say. But even so, it’s nice to keep the streak going, after my successful portrayal of a carmine kipper last year.

Did Pamela do it? I ain’t sayin’. She might of done. Means, motive, and opportunity all there. But I’m just thrilled to be a suspect, whether she dunnit or not!

On learning that there’s an unexploded incendiary not far from their building (Murder at Christmas, set during the London Blitz):

“From ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggedy beasties and things that go bang in the night, good Lord deliver us, especially on Christmas Eve,” Pamela murmured.

Ximun is methodically getting to the bottom of the ugly attack on his fellow mage Miryam, using some good old-fashioned formulaic spells. (I didn’t plan this to play into his spell-list, but I’m not at all displeased that it did.) Looking into the past a piece led him to a burial and a curiously dispassionate priest, Whom (I may say, as it’s not much of a spoiler) We May Expect To See Again.

Jullanar and don Bermudo have sped off to Logroño to beg some vis from any mages passing through. They have found a mage, and are about to make their request. I know whom they’re addressing, and I know exactly what he’s going to do with their petition.

Arnau is returning to the covenant, having discovered that the local Jews’ fears of a pogrom in Estella were (thankfully) unfounded. Scratch one hypothesis for the attack on Miryam. Or so he thinks.

Theo and Cano have gone up into the hills to assay the area for iron-mining. Theo had a nasty dizzy spell, which (unbeknownst to him) corresponded with a minor earth-tremor back at the covenant. I’m going back and forth between two explanations for this; pretty soon I’ll just have to up and pick one.

Paul and Justin have gone off to Estella to canvass the rest of the town for news; I’ve taken that thread silent, as Justin’s player isn’t posting and David wants to concentrate on don Bermudo. I’ll bring Paul back as an NPC with appropriate news. I had a mini-adventure ready for them, but it can go into cold-storage for the next group to hit town.

All in all? Not bad.

So Aryk’s in this huge Ilium poetry slam, right? And he needs to place in the top three, because if he does, he’ll get to open for Purgatory (and maybe throw a monkey wrench or two into their pro-Andragar propaganda machine), okay? All-freestyle, so the audience (in this case, David, reading over my shoulder) throws out topics and the emcee randomly picks one.

Second round, and what’s Aryk’s topic? This is all David’s fault, by the way.

“Bunnies.” I totally kid you not. “Bunnies.”

Between them, Alan (GM, playing Aryk’s backup Arretia and Aryk’s opponent Ambrose, as well as emcee Iron Telomere, impresario Hadley Domingo, and four out of five slam judges) and Matt (playing Aryk) totally ran with it, with me chucking in a few random numbers as Eleanora, the fifth slam judge. Herewith, The Bunny Rap Scene. Bits in parentheses, by long-standing Dragonhunt convention, are out-of-character backchat.

Alan: “The word for this match is…” Iron Telomere hunts around in her bag. “…bunnies! Bunnies?”

Alan: “Dammit, Hadley!”

Alan: Hadley shrugs. “They’re all audience suggestions!”

Aryk: “Bunnies?! BUNNIES?! HOW CAN I RAP ABOUT BUNNIES?!”

Alan: The audience is laughing, wondering what the contestants are going to make of it.

Alan: Ambrose Thunderhead stares at the ceiling, then says “Hm. I know.”

Eleanora: (You can kick David’s ass when you move to Wisconsin, Matt. I give you a free innings.)

Alan: “Well, call it, Thunderhead.”

Alan: She flips. “I call heads!” the dwarf cries.

Alan: [1d2] -> [1] = (1)

Alan: “And I’ll go second. If you’re so flummoxed, paladin, I won’t let you have time to think about it!”

Alan: “Okay then,” Telomere laughs. “Bunnies! Whenever you’re ready!”

Alan: Arretia giggles to herself. “What do you want, Aryk? Dark or light?”

Aryk: “Light. Overly light.”

Alan: “You’ll get both.”

Aryk: “Ridiculously light, even.”

Eleanora: (”Li’l bunny Froo-Froo…”)

Alan: She pops two soundcubes in and starts playing one… “Little bunny foo-foo was hopping through the forest…”

Alan: (Jinx!)

Aryk: What the fuck, man!!

Aryk: Okay, here we go.

Alan: She instantly slams the fader to a post-Slab rage band. “DEAAAATH! DEEAAAATH!”

Alan: The fader again: “pickin’ up the fieldmice and boppin’ em on the” “DEAAAATH!”

** Aryk shakes his head, and then begins to feel the beat regardless **

Alan: Then she drops the beat, leaving the bunny tune over the top.

** Eleanora is laughing herself to tears in the judges’ row. **

Aryk: “Fluffy bunnies, fluffy bunnies / The world is full of fluffy bunnies

Aryk: “That’s people living happily / Finding dragon tyranny so funny

Aryk: “That’s idiots spending frivolously / wasting all that hard earned money

Aryk: “Just to make their lives seem calm / at ease / what else do you want from me?

Aryk: Why is it people live selfishly / ignorant of the blood-stained truth

Aryk: While you work your fuckin’ nine-to-five / dragons make decisions for you

Aryk: While you go home / Kiss your wife and kids/ Dark Eternal pretends to implore you

Aryk: When honestly he don’t give a fuck / But you think that he adores you

Aryk: Nations will collide / Do you think that Heaven will ignore you?

Aryk: Honestly, it makes me sick / To see good people act so dumb

Aryk: When demons, dragons, crime syndicates have you under their thumb?

Aryk: It’s time for a change/ the system to be rearranged

Aryk: You’re little Jack Horner/ go fuckin’ eat your plums

Aryk: So prance around and dance around and eat up all your greens

Aryk: You’re all just little fuckin’ bunnies, man / Now it don’t sound so obscene

Aryk: When you leave tonight / in a state of fright / you’ll know just what I mean!”

Alan: Arretia has been shifting the beat darker and darker as you go along, fading the bunny song out.

Alan: But now she concludes by snapping it back in: “Now I’m going to give you one… more… chance…”

Alan: And the bell rings.

Aryk: “That’s my word!” He winks at Saladin and slams the pickup back into its holster.

Alan: The audience goes wild. They love raps about bunnies!

Alan: “I think I’m slowly going insane,” Iron Telomere says. “Okay, Ambrose Thunderhead, bring it back.”

Alan: Ambrose signals to his drummer, who starts up a beat.

Eleanora: (”Coal Miner’s Bunny”) (editor’s note: the joke here is that Aryk’s opponent in this round is a miner who raps a lot about how much mining sucks)

** Aryk plops down in his seat. He has no idea how he was able to rap about bunnies. He can’t even remember what he said. **

Alan: “When I pick up my pick-axe, flak flies from rocks / when I swing my mattock, cracks spread in locks / when you jackrabbit out of your cave, I’m taking over the rave like pirate radicals blockade the docks!”

Alan: “You’re a hare, a lop-eared, cotton-tailed disgrace / When I get up in the spot, I’ll put you back in your place / When you step up to the hill, I’ll shoot you down with my bow / You’d better learn which warren-holes are safe to go!”

Alan: “So listen up: I’m straight Ithaca style / and when if you pick up an inch, I’m going to pick up a mile, we’re talking old style / none of these Dragon’s Reign kilometers / we’re more hardcore than lodestone barometers”

Aryk: “Wow… that’s not bad.” Aryk looks a bit concerned for his own welfare.

Alan: “I’m an uncut stone that bears weight / I’m on a throne of bones of those who battled fate / and lost, but I never wear county blues, I floss / soot stains and coal dust / you can never control us!”

Aryk: Aryk whispers to Arretia and Saladin, “I wish I hadn’t gone first this time… he’s feeding off me.”

Alan: “Don’t bunny-hop; you can’t dodge my fletchery / you’re not a pimp-dad; you’re just a master of lechery / you can’t hang against dwarves, you’re not that tall / and when I kick for the goal, keep your eye on the ball!”

Alan: The dwarf stands down with a satisfied smirk.

** Aryk gives Thunderhead a respectful nod. **

Alan: Iron Telomere says, “Let it be on the record that he used five of those phrases in the battle at Conroy’s on Woodson Street two months ago. You know the rules.”

Eleanora: (I thought that might be the case.)

Alan: A certain amount of repetition is allowed; after all, there are only so many rhymes, period. But if someone actually has you made, you lose a point for every two self-bites.

Alan: As a rough estimate.

** Aryk suddenly feels a glint of hope **

Alan: “For the record, he adapted a few of them to the random word,” Tarno Thraddash whispers.

Alan: “But yeah.”

Alan: “Okay then,” Telomere says. “Let’s score! Aryk first.”

Eleanora: “Yeah, so shit, replacin’ one word…” Eleanora mutters back. “I expected better of that boy, I really did.”

** Aryk closes his eyes **

Eleanora: Eleanora scribbles quickly, thrusts a 9 defiantly into the air.

Eleanora: Eleanora doesn’t give 10s.

** Aryk clasps Arretia’s hand. He doesn’t look. He only wants to hear the final score. **

Eleanora: She believes there’s always room for improvement.

Alan: Tarno Thraddash gives Aryk a 7. “Always harder second round,” he whispers.

Alan: Master Tanager impartially offers an 8. “I like bunnies, too.”

Aryk: (LOL)

Alan: From Damiano Entemann, a 7; from Trenton Lakhat, an 8.

Alan: “Lot of heart,” Trenton explains.

Aryk: (WOOHOO! I can live with that)

Alan: “So the total is 23, seven points shy of a perfect score. From this crowd, not bad!”

Alan: “Now to judge Ambrose Thunderhead. Judges?”

** Aryk hugs Arretia **

Alan: Master Tanager offers another 8. “Excellent rhymes. Now get a message.”

Aryk: “No matter what happens, Arretia, you were great.”

Eleanora: Eleanora shakes her head, offers a 5.

Alan: Trenton gives a 6. “I didn’t feel anything.”

Alan: Damiano hands out an 8: “At the risk of stereotyping myself… I think it would sell.”

** Eleanora rolls her eyes disdainfully. **

Eleanora: That wasn’t a ten before deductions. Please.

Alan: And finally, Tarno Thraddash gives out a 4, with a half smile. “Old grudge.”

Alan: Judges are chosen to be impartial—and if someone chooses unwisely, you’re stuck.

Alan: Iron Telomere echoes Eleanora’s concern. “That’s with the two points taken off, Entemann?”

Alan: “Huh, it’s not just a guideline? Hm… six, then?”

Alan: Master Tanager says, “It’s a guideline for me. For you it’s the law.”

Alan: “My eight is unadorned.”

Eleanora: “No, it’s not just a fuckin’ guideline, man, get your head in the game!”

Alan: Damiano nods. “Six. Six.”

Aryk: “Damn!”

Alan: “Then the total is 17. A clean victory for Aryk!”

** Aryk throws his arms around and kisses on the cheek the nearest person. **

Alan: “Watch out, though, kid; I think we can all agree your message and your lightwarrior won that one for you.”

Eleanora: “Room for that,” Eleanora says complacently.

** Aryk nods **

Alan: Master Tanager shrugs. “Everyone has opinions, Tess.”

Eleanora: “Yeah, an’ everyone should have mine!”

I managed to surprise the Dragonhunt GM last session. I do not often do this, so I will take a moment to be proud of myself.

Renate had no luck tracking Aaron down, and time was running out before he did something (she wasn’t sure what, but the possibilities were frightening) that got him jailed, killed, or possibly both.

So she cut it off at the pass. By challenging the Baron of Glenworth to an individual duel. And (here was my surprise) dropping her weapons on the field of honor and inviting him to kill her, so long as her blood ended the feud.

It didn’t fly. (Meta-plot reasons, mostly.) Words speak louder than actions in the Dragonhunt, and while Renate is a fair wordsmith, she wasn’t up to countering Stephen of Glenworth’s demagoguery that day. (Hard enough to walk onto a field and tell a man to hurt you. I don’t blame the girl one bit.) He was ready to send her home in chains just for humiliation’s sake, but Aaron’s wife the Heaven commander interceded. So Renate collected Aaron and went home.

Seeing real, two-hundred-proof hate-filled insanity shocked her out of Bad Headspace, at least. She’s herself again, though (understandably) grieving over Rien’s and Aaron’s untruths and betrayals. Her flirtation with suicide has caused Coris to back way the heck off, though in my humble opinion all it really shows is how perfect they are for each other… but this isn’t the first romance Renate’s risky lifestyle has derailed; she understands his hesitancy perfectly, and won’t press him for more than he wants to give her.

(She also has suspicions about his birthplace and birth-rank, but she’s keeping her mouth shut about them. Because if they turn out to be true, she will have even more cause to regret driving him off.)

I’m working on a fluff piece with Renate and Coris, but it’s slow going because it’s hard to keep Coris properly noncommittal. (It’s not my business to decide what Coris thinks and feels.) I do want to let the two of them bond a little over strayed siblings, have Renate discreetly indicate that she’s not offended at Coris’s reaction to her little stunt, and perhaps get across what Renate’s political plans are.

(Karlbotel can’t handle Glenworth-plus-Heaven alone, and the chances of Ilium heeding Karlbotel’s difficulties are nil. So it’s time to work up some defense alliances, and perhaps even a one-way tariff or toll on anything going into Glenworth—with any luck, that would start to depopulate the place, as its residents don’t share Stephen’s onus and must share a web of family relationships in Karlbotel and the other surrounding provinces, creating an incentive to leave. Renate, of course, will want to be prepared with resettlement aid. Expensive, but if it cuts off Stephen’s economic support at the root without harming his people, absolutely worth it.)

What can Renate do, with broken relationships and a brand-new political morass? Well, what can she do but start over?